Monday, June 18, 2012

The classical dilemma

It's actually surprising how a new member in your family could bring changes in your priorities.

All through my college, all I wanted in my life is to get a job and be independent. Now, for the first time I felt like sitting at home and play a house wife's role - cooking, cleaning, taking care of baby and all.. That's mainly because when I think about my baby I feel guilty.. Guilty that I leave her alone with a caretaker who is a nobody to her. When I get back I am so tired to sit with her and play. I feel sad and guilty that I am doing this. I think about my mom. She is a house wife and was a "full-time mom" to me. I love her for that.. She was there for me always, because of that I never missed her. Had she been a working mom, will my childhood be as happier as I was?

As soon as a girl is in her twenties people around her are busy trying to marry her off.
When she gets married, they are eager to hear the "good news"
After one year, if they still don't hear any "good news" they explain how important children are to a relationship.
When the girl finally decides to have baby and she has one, all these people just vanishes..
There is nobody to help her to bring up the child. She has to take care either all be herself, or resort to day-care, nanny or whatever if she is working.

Recently, I read an article in news paper which has done a research, on Bangalore women from IT industry postponing their motherhood plans.

The question was whether motherly feelings and emotions from woman are vanishing, because of over ambition. I believe a woman should have the liberty to decide when it's time for a child. Because motherhood is a duty, just like any other job. Can anybody work on two jobs at the same time? No, it requires a lot of time and energy and patience to bring up a child. One should not opt for it if she is unsure, not ready, or just thinks children will "grow up by themselves" or somebody else (like grandparents) will be there to take care of them.

I am not being an anti-feminist (I am not a feminist either), who believes that women are meant only to sit at home and do cooking or whatever they are thought to be good at conventionally. I am just thinking, what should a new mother do? She has her own ambitions and professional goals to attain, her freedom, independence. But from the baby's point of view. What wrong have they done to miss their mom? This must be classical dilemma every working mother undergoes.

"Part-time mothers" might justify that, their children might benefit from a better financial position later in their life because both of the family members are earning, better quality of education and a secure life. I justify to myself believing this: any way once they start their school, they are going to go away from mothers and all other persons they knew till then to new environment new people.

I am still confused. Its really hard when my daughter looks at you expecting you to hold her when I am  leaving her in her caretakers hands, she says Bye Bye, gives flying kisses, says "come early for lunch".
I hold back my tears and think "Is she happy?"

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Mommy Diaries - Part II

         So things went on smoothly till she was 5 months old. Apart from vaccination visit to the doctor, I was full time relaxing at home with my daughter, Aagnetha (related to Greek Aagnes; Origin: Scandinavian; Derived from: Greek Hagnē, which is from hagnos; Meaning: chaste, pure, sacred). We affectionately called her Charu.

        I had to get back to work when she was 5 months old. Not that I was missing my work or anything but then I choose to join. It was really hard, to see her cry when I leave her. But, secretly I was happy to see that see misses me :) Even now when I see her running towards me when I get back home, I feel loved. Had she choose to stay with her caretaker or even her friends, I would have been devastated.

That is the one big change that happened: I HAVE BECOME POSSESSIVE!

        I never get attached to anything or anybody. I thought I was not emotional at all. When I was in my 10th grade, and it was our farewell day, I saw some girls crying. They said they will miss school, friends etc. I was wondering what's wrong with these girls, all these years, all I wanted was to get out of school. That was like a never ending torture to me. And they are crying! The funny part is, there was only one girls only school in entire town, and all these girls were again in the same (but another) school for their XI grade. And I saw the same thing happening in XI as well. This time also I didn't feel any particular emotion when I left my higher secondary school. But now, I become emotional by the very thought of my baby! Sometime it brings me to tears. This change started when i was pregnant as well, I could cry for any silly things, and that was a surprise for me, because I thought I was a very strong woman.

That is the second change that I am talking about: I HAVE BECOME EMOTIONAL!

As i have written in my previous post, i was more attracted to puppies, than to babies! Yes! Not that i am proud of it, but that is the truth. Whenever I see a puppy in the road while we were travelling, I used to tell my husband, how cute it is, can we pick him up and all (He don't like puppies). Now i dont pay much attention to puppies, but to babies, I feel an affection towards, any baby that I see. I saw my close friend's baby's photo posted in facebook, and that bought me to tears!

That's the next change : I LOVE BABIES (I envy retromummy)!

I was never used to sleep in day time. In fact I dont like day-sleepers. My mother sleeps in the afternoon, but she never really admit that she slept ;) I thought people could better use their time for some other productive work. That would improve their creativity as well.
Now i can sleep anytime, anywhere. I can sleep in the morning, afternoon, evening, night..bus, auto, I can even fall asleep in the middle of a meeting in the office :o That was unbelievable considering i have spend almost one and a half years during my college as an insomniac.
My daughter keeps me on my toes all through the evening and all I want is to hit the bed as soon as possible.

There it goes : I LOVE SLEEPING!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Mommy Diaries - Part I

I became mother of a baby girl on 30 th September 2010. Until that day, I never had any idea

about parenting. I have never held an infant in my life time. I was more attracted to puppies than to babies; i am a bit embarassed to say this; but that is the truth. When my cousins had babies, I never felt any particular emotion, I was afraid to take them in my hand, my mother would hold the baby and I will just look over her shoulder. I have seen my cousins taking care of small children in the family playing with them.. but I never felt like doing that.. It was like "this is not my department". Thats was about me and babies before marriage.

I have often wondered whether this was normal :)

Anyway, now things has changed.. and this post is about how my life transformed when I became a mommy..

My daughter arrived on a Thursday evening, putting me (and my husband ;) ) in extreme difficult situations; which made me think this is it.. I dont want anymore child. I swore this to myself; a labour room is the last thing that I ever want to be in for the rest of my life.

i think more than me, my husband went through the trauma; because one of the nurses asked me later who is the father of the child and before i could answer anything another nurse was smiling and said "Oh thats that person in the blue shirt outside labor room, covered in sweat!!" I couldnt help but smile.

But the pain and trauma was worth. My doctor said "Its a girl". In an instant I felt jealous and angry because I wanted to hold my child for the first time.. Grrr! (And first time I felt being a Gynec is not after all a bad job!)

But then nurse took her, put her on warmer checked her wait and everything. She was near me in the warmer and was not crying. She was not looking at me either. I tried to grab her attention but in vain. May be on seeing this, nurse took her, covered and gave her to me. That was the moment I would never forget in my life.. She was so beautiful, innocent, OMG! She was looking at me! And I didn't know what to tell her! I felt happy, proud, and top of the world and I cried!!!! [All these months during pregnancy, I could cry without any reason; thanks to hormones!] All the nurses ran to my side and were enquiring what happened. I couldn't say anything.

But that was just the beginning of it.

I hardly slept for next three months.. Whenever I was able to catch up with some sleep, I dreamt of my gynec; holding some equipments like knife and fork.. OMG!!

That was a period of feeding-burping-sleeping-cleaning-feeding cycles....

I was always worried that I knew nothing of parenting, will I be able to take care of my child? Am I old enough to be a mom?